The noble public defender asked me if I was having any fun. I said nope, none at all, I’m pretty sad. But it’s a more cerebral n worthwhile sad. He said we could go and play on the beach when I got back home. I said but you’re wearing sneakers, really cool ones, I’d hate for them to get all sandy… n then he was like these old things? And I said that I heard they don’t make shoes like that anymore. Something like that
After a beat, he laughed and tilted his head to the side. Smirked n squinted one eye. Do you even notice the languor, stupid bitch? I made it just for you…
He looked at me, straight past my eyes, and said the next part in a dark n serious way. All things will be changed, you know.
Wasn’t the Christian Millenarianism thing lowkey disproven, I asked, considering the year and everything? You’re such a little girl, he replied. You’re a stupid little girl and you’re lucky I think it’s cute.
So you were chosen, n I wasn’t, I said. No, I have to kill you. I don’t understand, I tell him I don’t understand. I looked at him, not around or through him but directly at him, I said, No way man, I think YOU’RE supposed to kill YOU.
He sat with his options. I watched them cloud his face. Drops of food coloring dispersed in the water. This could have been an album cover. He became one person, then a different one, then both people simultaneously, and then he wasn’t anyone for a long while. He fished in his right pocket and displayed the contents on his palm for show and tell. A five-dollar bill n three quarters. Fare. He told me, I think I’m ‘sposed to do that too. I was getting all confused, I told him I’m getting all confused. You’re from Newport Beach. People from Newport Beach don’t do that kind of thing… kill self..,
For the longest time, he had me under the impression that things would change. I’d never asked for that. I would never ask for anything. Michael Cimino asked producers for tens of millions of dollars to make a movie no one liked except me.
Still, I told him
If you promise to meet me at the finish line, I promise I’ll race you
—-
Sorry sorry I’m sorry
This the partwhere
Leaves only the honest parts
Every spine ing moment
I assume
remember
So this one time it felt like we
were on a date LOL
NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL
Can’t
spot where it’s splintered
You’re not supposed to be here.
WHat did we say that one time
Maybe
really don’t remember
Fucking fire